I woke up with a bitter taste of life. I woke up with the intention of changing something in my life. I went downstairs and there was a man with deep eyes. He was half Chinese and half Indonesian. We started to talk and I criticized the flyer of his company in my Eastern European way, being very direct and brutal. I thought at the Indonesian way of avoiding to say uncomfortable things. I felt bad because I felt that I was too direct and that I hurt him. He told me he doesn’t feel hurt. But that I have to pay more attention to my actions.
“Even how you drink a glass of water matters. You have to do every simple thing with awareness, with the balance of the body, mind and soul. You have to be aware of yourself every minute and to be with all your being the activity that you do. I’ll show you. You’ll see that little things make the difference.”
He asked me to drink some water. He watched me carefully and he asked me to pay attention at the taste of the water. After that he showed me another way of doing it, putting the intention in my small finger, that it belongs to a different meridian in my body. I tried. The water really tasted differently. It was more sweet, more intense, more powerful and alive. I stared at him.
“You have a good energy, but you are still young. Every person has a pattern. Your pattern is that you throw yourself in a lot of activities with a lot of enthusiasm without having the patience of accumulating the knowledge of doing all those things. You think too much, after that, when the things are not working as you expect them to work, you use your heart too much. You get hurt and your soul is wounded. You will have a lot of obstacles in life. It depends on you either you want to fight them and to remain with a lot of scars and become a horrible person, either you flow with the movement and find another way of getting over obstacles. It depends on you if you want to change or not. You are still young.”
“He is damn right”, I was thinking.
“You’re thinking again too much.”
Yesterday I had a nervous breakdown. I was in a very sensible state of mind and heart. I felt like crying and I was taking every critique, every look and word very personally. I didn’t find any purpose of my activity and my mind was spread in 100 directions. I could’t do anything right. I felt useless and I wanted to go back to Romania and just to stay somewhere isolated and cry. I was just unhappy and unmotivated. Instead of doing something to change this I was just complaining and moving around like a lion in a cage. I was blocked in the cage that I built for myself with the help of the others.
When I left Romania and I came here with no real plan I was pissed off with everything. I came here half dead, with my spirit broke in 100 pieces. I didn’t find any reason in the life they wanted me to live. All their system was wrong and unhealthy because it didn’t work. When I was looking around me I could see only dead people that were living a life that was not theirs. I could only see robots. So I left everything there and I came here. I didn’t want to be a dead alive. I wanted to change my life, to free myself, to rebuild myself. I thought that if I follow another system things would change.
I came here and I started to do a lot of things, to write, to take photographs, to do this, to do that. I still kept in touch with a lot of people from Romania and somehow I didn’t feel that I was far away from Romania. It was just a matter of landscape and climate.
Of course, I had a lot of amazing experiences here that made me feel alive, I started to spend most of my time in nature, connected with the ground. I felt that in 4 months I lived a lifetime. Sometimes, when I take a break from life and just stay with myself, watching the clouds, the trees, myself, I could see that something is still blocked inside me, that I am not open enough for life, that I am still somehow rigid. I say that I would change this, but then I go back to daily life. I had a lot less stress these months than I had in my previous life in Romania (I call it previous life, because what was before Indonesia looks like a dream for me). But I am still stressed and somehow between two worlds and lost in space.
So now, just drinking a glass of water, seeing the differences that small gestures make in your daily life, I decided to drop everything that I thought I know about life, to drop all my old habits, to drop what I thought it was myself, my believes, my opinions, my everything. I decided to embrace the rebirth. I decided to learn life from it’s very beginning.
I realized that even if I changed the environment, I was still blocked in the social brainwashing to whom I was a victim for 22 years. I realized that even if I am thousands of km away from the social system that almost killed my spirit, it still has power on me, because the habits, the way of thinking and acting were still carved deep inside me. The only way of changing something is to throw everything away and to start from the beginning.
So I dropped the schedule that I made for today and I took a walk on the beach. I learned again how to walk. I am now a baby learning things about real life, about MY life, the one that I want to build for myself, in the way I want to, not in the way I am told to.
Of course it would be a difficult thing to do: to stay awake, to grow awareness and to be present in my body, mind and soul. Balance is difficult to find in a crazy world like this.
It requires discipline and a real wish of change. This crazy world in which we are blocked for a while, most of us without even knowing why needs to be changed. But for changing the world I have to change myself first. It’s stupid to ask from the others things that you are not able to do by yourself. But when you start being yourself, a being close to the natural state of life, then, life will work with you, and everything will start changing around.
So first, let’s learn to walk from the beginning. I am ready now.